My Broken Vessel

This is something I have wanted to talk about for awhile but I've been really sacred to I just don't want to feel vulnerable or have people think I'm doing this for attention. I want this to be able to help someone. I want this to give hope to people. 

I had stared high school and I was so excited and ready the year started and I was running I had trained all summer for Cross country. It was the homecoming week and I had decided to play powderpuff and it was freshmen vs. juniors and these two bigger girls had taken me down and I had landed on my knee weird and it started hurting but I just kept playing and running and doing what i was supposed to. When I had gotten to the car with my parents and started crying my knee hurt so bad. I went home and iced it, taped it, took ibuprofen did everything I could. I ended up not being able to run for a month and the week I came back it was districts and I wanted to go so bad because I would of been able to go with my brother and I had always thought that would be a blast. I ended up not making it to state and I was devastated. The year went on I was running and getting ready for track I had been running 3 plus miles a day ,doing speed work, and I had done strength training. I ended hurting my knee again and not being able to run. I had also decided to run for sophomore class president. It came down to be the week of districts again that I would race since coming back form being hurt and I didn't make it again to state, I had also lost my election to six votes for sophomore class president. I was so upset. Sophomore year came around and I started drivers ed, had leadership (I became sophomore v.p.) had running and of course school. Sophomore year was hell really truly was. I had been fighting this battle that no one knew about except my parents. I had been told I had anxiety and depression and that I needed to take medicine for it. I tried so many different medicines to help but either they made me more depressed or they made me mad and upset. There were times where I was so sad and upset that I wanted to kill myself. I had a whole bunch of  benadryl in my hand and I was going to take them all at once. I had thought about taking humilog which is what type 1 diabetics use to help regulate there sugar and if some one who doesn't have diabetes takes it, it can lower the blood sugar way to fast and kill you.  There was one night I had been so upset and angry that I started yelling at my mom and I threw my math book at the table. I sat down and sobbed and all I said was I can't get this voice out of my head it won't go away! My mom came and hugged me and said what is it saying and I told her that the voice had told me I don't belong here I'm not worthy enough to be here, I should just kill my self because no one would miss me if I was gone. Right then and there my mom rushed me to the clinic where I met with my doctor and my mom told him everything and I told him everything and we changed my medicine. I ended up finding a medicine that worked for awhile but then was causing more harm than good. The medicine I was taking helped my mood but made the chemicals in my brain tell me I was hungry all the time. So I started gaining weight and that was so hard on my confidence and that didn't help the anxiety or depression. I had to meet with a counselor and that didn't really help so I stopped going then I waited to meet with Dr.Seirra that took over a year to see him I saw him just this October. Before I meet Dr. Seirra I went and saw a different family doctor and he gave me a medicine that help wake me up and would help loose weight. October came around and I finally met with Dr. Seirra.  Dr. Seirra took me off the medicine that made me gain weight and  I was doing better. I was sitting at my cousins welcome home from his mission and my young women night in excellence was that night. I was going to talk about photography but during my cousins talk I had the strongest feeling I need to talk about my depression and anxiety. So I followed the spirt and that's what I did. I talked about everything and how it had effected me. I had shared a blessing my dad had given me. That day I was really struggling I didn't want to be here I wanted to go home to my Heavenly home and I was talking to my mom and I said I need a blessing and she went and got my dad and in his blessing he said "Hallie your Heavenly Father feels your anguish,  He knows what your going through. Hallie remember He loves you." Right after that blessing I went into my parents room and asked if I could pray with them. I had not done that since I was little I knelt on the floor and said a prayer using the atonement. I had told my Heavenly Father and Savior how I was feeling and the voice in my head which was satan telling me I did not belong here. Right after I said amen I felt this weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt right there my Saviors love and my Heavenly parents love me also.  What was hard though is right after I had shared this for night in excellence that following week was awful I was so low and tried to hide and I did for about 2 days then Wednesday I was supposed to have a appointment with Dr. Seirra and that didn't happen and I felt like I had lost all hope. I cried and cried I was so frustrated and had so much anxiety I was pulling out my hair! I had talked to my mom and I was telling her why I was upset and I was upset with my body and how I looked, I was frustrated with leadership, I was upset that I couldn't drive, and that some friends were going to an away basketball game and didn't invite me.  I was done. Finally my mom got a hold of Dr. Seirra and he upped a dose and gave me something to help me sleep because to add to depression and anxiety, I have been a horrible sleeper since out of the womb I have had terrible nightmares still do to this day, I can't sleep if I'm to stressed I always wake up. So I was barely getting any sleep. So I was a wreck! My mom had also had me seeing a nutritionist and special weight doctor to help me. I have been so much better since then and I'm happy and getting back to the things I used to love! I know that this trial has strengthened me and has helped me grow my testimony of my Savior and Heavenly Father. I know that they love me and care for me! I really want to help others that are going through this same thing that everything will be okay and that you need to have hope and to never give up. Even when it sounds easy to give up do not because you can do this. I'll be honest it won't be easy there is a lot of trail and error with medicines and seeing what works and what doesn't. Find something you love to do and do not stop doing it whether it be exercising or playing an instrument or spending time with love ones or friends who make you happy and who are positive. I hope this helped some one and if not I hope it gave you insight on not to judge some one because even though they might look happy they may not feel happy or not to bring some one down but to encourage and enlighten them!

-Until Next Time Hallie